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SELF LOVE

Want to know how to love yourself? Bath bombs and roses won’t quite cut it.

If there is one thing all human beings have in common at some point in their lives, if not their whole lives is the inability to truly see and love themselves.

Self love has become trendy now days, with # tags on every Instagram post of a girl getting her nails done or smudging herself with a stick of Palo Santo.

Our survival as a human being depends on our acceptance from the tribe. Yet in modern society we are so separate from one another, we live in a digital world of comparison. Comparing our bodies to those of photoshopped fitness models. Our lives to the perfect family image we see, although we know inherently that people only show their best parts and highlight reels.

However we just can’t help it. Because we seek deeply to be apart of the tribe.
Bert Hellinger ( Family Constellations ) – A German therapist travelled to South Africa as a missionary. He spent his time within Zulu tribes. He learnt the vernacular and spent time teaching and being a missionary. It was during this time that he begun to study family systems within the Zulu tribe.

He lived with African tribes to enquire why things such as mental illness and anxiety did not exist within tribal communities. His finding were that, when we live within a community we feel as though we have a place. That we are apart of the whole. Apart of the system. Every client I have ever worked on, no matter how ‘perfect’ their life may seem as some sense of self-worth or self-love issues.

I grew up as a little girl believing that I was un-loveable. That I needed to look, act and be a certain way in order to be loved, seen and accepted. That love was conditional. I couldn’t be loved just by being myself. Each and every single one of us experience this on some level because of our programming around acceptance from the community.
This creates a deep sense of shame. Shame is the lowest vibrational emotion. Shame is believing that somehow we are fundamentally flawed . Feeling deeply embarrassed about who you are as a person. That we are unlovable.
The thing about shame is that because the emotional charge connected to this state of being is so intense and means we will experience discomfort and pain we bury this aspect of ourselves, we will do whatever we can to not experience this or ‘go there’ in order to not feel the pain we felt some point in our childhood.

I was once told by an incredible Gene Keys facilitator that my soul had come here to help humans on their path of healing and that my soul had chosen to be in acts of service to humanity. However what I had come here to heal was my childhood shame.

Shame plays out in subtle ways. Other times we will project our shame onto others. Disliking aspects of others that are actually connected to, our hidden shame of self.

I spent years abusing my body. The room mate in my head saying the most atrocious things to me. I thought the world was breaking me down however much to my dismay, the world was simply a mirror. Mirroring back the way in which I spoke to myself.

Attracting relationships that triggered a sense of unworthiness. Deep triggers of discomfort and pain. Shame lives within our shadow and this is why doing shadow work is so important on a path of self-love and consciousness.

I was sick and tired of attracting men who treated me badly, being angry at my body and going to deep, dark pits of self-loathing. I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. Sometimes we have to hit rock bottom over and over again. He’s different. He seems nice. Before you know it you have shared yourself with a man and he ghosts you two days later. There comes a point when you finally decide enough is enough.
You want to love yourself so badly, you decide that its time to do the deep work.
Self-love is not about pretty nails and highlighted hair. Yes, it is wonderful to make ourselves feel pretty.
So what is self-love?
We didn’t come here onto this earth to be perfect. We came here to experience all aspects of self. To explore the dimensions of our beings. Everywhere we look we see a world of polarity and duality. Positive and negative. Dark and light. Masculine and feminine. Love and fear.

As human beings we are everything. We are the dark and the light. We are rage, love, anger. We are joy, love, bitterness. However due to our conditioning and programming, we believe that in order to be loved and accepted by the tribe that we must only be the ‘good’ things. Act in ways that are deemed acceptable by society.

That all other aspects of ourselves must be hidden. Self-love is the ability to witness and love all parts of ourselves without judgement.

To become the observer of our patterns and behaviours. The good, the bad and the ugly. When we can accept and surrender to the understanding that we are not perfect and that in itself is perfection.

I call the uncomfortable parts of ourselves the ‘Icky sticky’. When we feel that contraction in our bellies, the judgemental thoughts begin in the mind. The judgement that takes place of others, when we are seeing apart of ourselves that we do not like.

I have spent years unpacking the elements and components to real self-love. I discovered that we have to create the space to sit and witness these icky sticky parts of ourselves. When we are angry, to give ourselves permission to scream, shout and stomp our feet. When our inner bitch or jerk comes out to witness and love those parts of ourselves, to not deny ourselves this experience.

None of us are saints. We are sinners too. This is a natural part of the human condition. When we can accept this, we open up space and give ourselves permission to love all parts of us.

True self-love is the ability to love the darkest, scariest parts of us. To see ourselves as whole. If we are only loving the parts of ourselves we deem acceptable by society, we are living in an illusion of self-love.

Self-love is the ability to embrace and see yourself in your light and your dark.
Tools for real Self-Love

1 – Be open to the concept that you are dark/light, ugly/beautiful.

2 – Spend time discovering your triggers.

3 – Have an understanding of lower vibrational emotions: Fear, guilt, unworthiness, Powerlessness, anger, rage doubt, worry, disappointment. Then when these emotions are triggered we can use them as a tool to sit in the ‘Icky sticky’

4 – Sit in the icky sticky. The most powerful way in we can access a deeper awareness of self is by literally sitting in it. When we feel an uncomfortable feeling, to sit down, close our eyes and to be with the discomfort.

5 – Ask. Our bodies are divine intelligence and a blue-print to our deep inner psyche. When we create the space to sit in the ‘icky sticky’ we can ask the body for guidance as to where this feeling originates from.

6 – Be with. When we discover an aspect or part of ourselves that we don’t like. We can welcome and embrace that part of ourselves by seeing us hugging that part of ourself in our minds eye and welcoming it back home.

7 – Come home. Accepting and loving all parts of ourselves allows us to ‘come home’ to ourselves. This is the process of integration.

8 – Write yourself a love letter. Reframing these negative aspects of self. Dear….. I love how bitchy you can be, this helps you to set boundaries and ensures that no one can take advantage of you. Begin to see the positive side of these shadow aspects.

9 – Dance. Create a space for you in which you can dance these aspects of yourself. When we dance, we drop out of the mind and into the body. The body is the quickest way to re-integrate these parts of self.

10 – No judgement. When we witness an aspect of self we do not like, refrain from judgement. Judgement will send us straight back into the shame game and bury these parts of ourselves even deeper within ourselves.
We came onto this earth to experience all aspects and sides of ourselves and light. To have a deeper understanding of who we are, to see ourselves from all different perspectives until we see the magnificence in our imperfections.

That we are already whole. We just have to be able to truly witness ourselves. I believe that this will help us shift into a internal state of self acceptance and self love.

So yes, treat yourself to massages and lazy Sunday afternoon naps. But also let yourself be savage. Kick, scream shout. Be a dick. Set boundaries.

But do it from a place of deep self awareness and non judgement. Do it from a place of having owned all parts of yourself, so that it is empowering and not destructive to yourself and others. Sit in the icky sticky. Cry, moan, rage. These parts of us are beautiful. They are the magnificence of who we are, in all our dimensions of being human.

The path way to true self-love is to accept all parts of you as divine. Even the not so pretty.
You are god incarnate. You are exquisite… Just the way you are….
True self-love is not about perfection but embracing all parts of yourself—the light and the dark, the beautiful and the messy. Only by accepting our wholeness can we truly be free.
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